The Last Cabin on the Right

Well, it's another Sunday and I'm missing Mass.  I woke up with a migraine this morning.  Yesterday a friend and I had an impromtu Creative Memories get-together.  She bought a lot of stuff and got my January off to a great start.  She's also taking a catalog for a week to see if she can get any outside sales.  I've been after her to host an event since last year, but she has been reluctant, so we're doing it this way.  I hope she does well with it.  It will boost my business and give her another opportunity to earn free products.  Please pray for my Creative Memories business.  I want to stay active as a consultant, which means I need to book get-togethers.  People around here are reluctant to do it.  If you want to see my website, go to www.mycmsite.com/deirdrelawson

 

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It's icey here today.  I almost busted my ass going out to get the mail.  'nough said.

 

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Well, I've survived another year.  Today my grandmother and I had traditional Southern New Year's cuisine.  Only people in the south can eat like this, but I'll probably regret it in the morning.  I'm wondering what kind of changes will come with the new year.  I have some health problems I am trying to get under control in January.  I have to see a neurosurgeon about my back.  I hope I don't have to have surgery.  My painting class is on hold because I have all these doctor's appointments this month.  I can't say last year was bad.  It was difficult, but I'm in a much better place now.  I've been put in charge of starting a singles ministry at my church, and possibly a divorce recovery group.  It should be exciting.  At least I'll have something to do.  Too much down time is not good for me.  I don't have anymore musings in me at the moment so I will write more later.

 

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I was just looking at my life To-Do List.  It seems I've accomplished some of it during the past year.  I have seen a lot of changes, and a huge move to another state.  But in the process, I have worked with pastels (and chalks), and I'm learning to paint.  I've been taking classes since May.  I'm planning to join the local art league so maybe I can get some work on display.  I currently have a painting on display at the local library.  All in all, I am much healthier than when I first started this blog.  Thanks to some small miracles and hard work on my part.

OK, since I haven't blogged in over a year, I thought I'd write about something important.  You know those Snuggie things they advertise on TV?  Well, don't buy them.  They're shit in a bag.  There.  Don't say I didn't tell you so. 

 

Happy Holidays!

 

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Some days are just heavy.  I need to talk to my priest about some things, because I don't know if it needs to be in Confession or not.  But things, or rather, people, are behaving in such a way that it makes my life very difficult. 

 

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I have a busy day today.  I meet with the advocate for my annulment to begin going through the essay questions in an oral interview.  I can talk about it, but my mental health won't support me writing it all out.  So we're going to record it, and she is going to type it.  I feel like there is a brick being lifted from my shoulders.  I'm a little nervous, though.

 

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The sky is full of puffy white clouds, floating against a brilliant blue canvas.  I want to run free, unchained from the burdens of life, and bask in the spleandor of God's glory. 

I don't really know what to say.  Jorge left the best comment on the previous entry.  I hope that person who wrote all of those things that kept people coming back shows up some time soon.  I am going through so many life changes right now, it is a bit overwhelming.  Some things are finally coming together that needed to be tied up, and yet there is still much unfinished business out there in the great big world I have to face every day.  I'm not complaining.  I know there are those out there who have it far worse than me.

 

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I'm not sure what to blog about today.  I'm just trying to get used to life again.  I especially need to make a plan about eating.  With me, it seems that I'm either anorexic or bulemic.  My goal for the last week has been to eat at least one meal a day and not throw it up.  Plus I've got other stuff going on that I don't really want to talk about.

 

For all of you who take the time to read my pathetic little blog, thank you.

Wow, it's been awhile.  Three days after my last entry I ended up in the hospital because of a horrible reaction to some medication.  I'm back home now, adjusting, getting caught up, etc., etc.  I'll try to blog more in the next couple of days. 

How did you spend your day?  I spent mine in the emergency room, making sure I didn't have a tear in my esophagus (sp?).  I've been having a difficult time with bulemia.  It's gotten to the point where I don't make myself throw up anymore.  Whatever I eat just comes up on its own.  Add that to the fact that I have a case of reflux, and it explains why my throat is so irritated and sore. 

 

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I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I think I'm going to write a book.  Sounds like an interesting idea to me.

 

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This has been a bad week.  For the record, it's because of the ECT's I've been having.  Nothing quite like having your brain fried...

 

 

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Should I delete this blog?

I had an ECT today.  I'm supposed to sleep these things off, but inevitably I drink a pot of coffee and stay wired til midnight.  I've just been goofing off on the internet today, plus I'm crocheting a baby afghan for my best friend's newest son.

 

I'm going to have to say this here, because my Dad is really getting to me; meaning that he is not supportive of my mental health treatment.  Today was supposed to be my last ECT, but my doctor wants me to have another one.  I called his office and asked his assistant "why?", and his reply was, "because you're not well yet."  OK fine.  I don't have any problem with that, since I am still struggling a little bit with some minor psychosis.  My Dad, on the other hand, said,"I think this is bullshit, and that he's just stringing you along."  I asked him if he would like to talk to my doctor, and he said no.  So, I went to the NIMH website and downloaded a booklet on Schizophrenia and e-mailed it to him.  If he bothers to read it, hopefully he will understand more of what it is like to be me on any given day, and what I need in the form of treatment and familial support.

 

I don't mean to talk badly about my father.  I love him, and I know he loves me.  I think the reason why he gets irritated with me and the doctors is because he knows something is wrong with me, but it's not in his power to fix it.

 

God Bless, and thanks for reading.

Tomorrow I go for my last ECT in a series of six.  We have successfully altered my brain chemistry so that I am now on the second lowest possible dose of my antidepressant.  This is quite an accomplishment.  I still have some problems with psychosis, though.  Sometimes the ECT's make it worse, but I have a feeling that it will subside over the next couple of weeks. 

 

I was talking to my therapist the other day and we were discussing how far I've come over the last two years.  I was a complete mess before my current psychiatrist and therapist got a hold of me.  Not only is my illness difficult to treat, I don't respond in a typical way to most of the medications used to treat it.  So we have made great strides in the pharmacological department.

 

I'm grateful, and I'm starting to live a somewhat normal life.  I don't know what the future holds, but I am hoping it will be good.  I know it will all work out because I know I have God on my side.

 

On a side note--I think I have mentioned here that my father remarried.  I absolutely adore my stepmother.  She is wonderful, and she is supportive.  I never expected that.  Anyway, I'm rambling.  Happy Sunday.

 

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I have some things to get up to this week.  I have to make a rosary, and I need to start work on a painting.  I actually have a concept for a couple of paintings.  Hopefully they will be done soon.  I'll post pictures when they're complete.

 

Thanks for reading on this rainy Saturday afternoon.

I'm not all that sure what to blog about today.  It hasn't been a good one so far.  One of my younger ego-states has been prominent this morning, and it's been hard for me to deal with because she thinks my Mother is alive.  I sometimes wonder if it is wise to write about my dissociations, but they're a part of who I am.  I am beginning to wonder if it is wise to have this blog at all.  Any feedback you care to give is appreciated.

 

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I had a therapy session today, and told my therapist that I had been blogging my plans for ECT's and whatnot.  He looked at me like he didn't approve, and that maybe it was unsafe for me to be so open on the internet.  I told him I didn't care.  That was that.

 

Thanks for reading.